No, there is no shift happening. Except perhaps autumn. I’m just feeling distracted most likely from lack of sleep. And growing day to day is a tiring experience. Something has to give.
Hmm, I have been having a re-evaluation of my Twin Flame dynamic. Comparing my experience with that of others. There are many skeptics out there of the idea of Twin Flames. Some think that believing that someone is your Twin Flame is bordering on delusion. Most common ways to explain away the feelings of thinking someone is a Twin Flame: a teenage crush or limerance; middle-age folk who cannot get over some lover from their youth and re-connecting decades later; older people with younger people in May-December relationships; married people rationalizing having affairs. I don’t fall under any of these categories. Someone uninformed and confident about knowing me might say it is a coping mechanism for rejection. The closest one would be this: coping mechanism to handle someone who has rejected me. I’m aware of these reasons for delusion. Is that enough to show that I am sane and not delusional? Sure, there is a coping mechanism, but the coping mechanism is not for rejection, it is for being in separation with my Twin Flame: that I’m on this spiritual journey of growth, because there is nothing much I can do to get to be in communication with her again and see her again. Therefore the best thing to do in the meantime is to work on myself. To do the inner work. Back then, we were in a close friendship and I did not profess my feelings or even asked her out.
What happened was that she fell into some problems with her life. She struggled with her plans for a career change. She struggled with depression, which I later found out more closely fit bipolar symptoms. She needed some insight to things before she made any mistake with her life, she needed someone. I was concerned for her as a friend. She had given a lot to our friendship and I could have walked away anytime, but I couldn’t stand by and not do my part as a friend. She was growing distant, which was why I even decided to even try figuring out what was going on with her. Which led to me learning more and more. It was my desire to help that I thought she would listen more to me if we were seeing each other, if we were together. I was prepared to be there for her. I thought it would be great if we could grow together. We’ve even discussed our plans for a career change over several lunch “dates”. However, at this point she was not willing to listen to anyone and have been cutting off people from her life. There you have it, the reality from my side of the story.
Was I interested in anyone? Yes, but not her back then. In fact, I even have a catalyst Twin. My false Twin. And in fact, I was even more interested in mending relations, however toxic they were, with my catalyst false Twin than with my actual Twin Flame! Go figure. So when relations frosted between my Twin Flame and I, what did I do? I simply decided my personal career growth was more important. I was prepared to be there for her, but apparently she did not want any help. I walked away to focus on my plans for a career change. But I still kept one eye on her to find out more. Back then, I have not realized she is my Twin Flame. While still around, I kept an eye on her to see if I could jump in any time when I was needed to provide help. When no longer around, I could then forget her.
And forget her I did. It worked for weeks. I met my Soul Tribe. People who were there for me, for each other. We motivated, inspired, encouraged each other on our career growth as we underwent a course together. We did project work together. They were everything I ever could want in a Twin Flame but the sweeter deal was that they were not 1 person, but came in the form of a small group of a few individuals.
But then, I noticed I was often looking up at the flat screen timetable to look to see if her courses happened to be on the same day I had my courses. And wondering if we could bump into each other. I could not shake her from my mind. This lasted for the rest of the course. It was only during the very day before I was to start the first day of my new job in June 2019 that I realized that she is my Twin Flame.
Things started to mellow out during the first weekend of October 2019 as I felt the connection weakening. Of course that’s nonsense. I simply found that I was thinking less and less of her. Or maybe gaining some clarity, or perhaps skepticism. I was aware of how there were better romantic pairings for me and that I did not have to stoop down to her level. If she wanted to stay where she is, I should respect her decision because this is her life. She might even think I’m trying to control her after all my efforts.
That’s all there is to it.
The more I think of her, the more I am shaking my head. She hardly surprises me because she says what I would have said, she thinks what I would have thought. But I’ve managed to break out of that cycle and gained clarity of my past wrongdoings which is how I’m now able to see these behaviors (typical of my old self) being repeated by her.
I am slowing down a bit the past few weekends to smell the roses. Hardly have time for hobbies till now. So I’m making time. In the past, this would have interfered with what I’m supposed to do and sap my attention from more important things. But the difference now is that I have a purpose, a goal. I can indulge in my hobbies but still remember to come back to what work I am supposed to do. Trying to make the best out of this situation and see what I can learn.
I’ll leave a quote here:
Tanuki Bruh 