Receiving Love

I’ve been thinking about someone. She loved me during a rather dark time in my life. In my late-teens I had a depression phase that subsided after more than a year, thankfully. But I was never the same after that. The self-destructive behaviors. The impulsive and dangerous decisions I made because something in my inner psyche had been affected. Subsiding was just 50% of the battle won. The real healing only took place during my early adult years, which I spent, of course, making more mistakes.

I know. I don’t live in the past. This blog post is meant more for the reader. I don’t like to talk about my dark days. But I know that part of facing my dark days is acceptance and talking about it.

She loved me. Why did she love me? I don’t know. I wasn’t very proud of myself back then. I don’t even remember flirting with her. Around her I was just being myself. But boy, we did spend a little too much time together, I think. We talked a little too much I think. Because I needed someone to talk to. She’s 6 years older than I. I was then sort of like a lowly temp staff while she’s sort of like a management trainee. It’s hard to reveal the details, but it’s like we’re both from 2 different castes, she being from the top and I being from the lowest. I didn’t know why she loved me. Well, we are intellectually compatible. Had long talks and shared a love for movies.

I wondered how she’s doing. Heard that she’s still working at the same organization. Although in the years that has passed, she has not really risen in ranks. I feel bad for her. The structure over the years has changed so much I’m not even sure if it is accurate to say she’s been working at the same organization with the same rank for all these years. Several transfers later, new departments being created, different types of positions and nifty-sounding specializations opened, that things are far too different today to make any comparison.

I don’t know why I’m thinking of her recently. And thinking of her reminded me of those dark days.

I hurt her. When we had to say goodbye, she asked me if she’ll ever see me again. I think not. To see her again meant going back to that place of gloom. It didn’t matter what I said as the outcome would not differ. Still I could have answered her better.

It had nothing to do with age. Though she being 6 years older. It had nothing to do with her higher position compared to mine, since we could have dated outside of work. And I did leave that place of gloom, didn’t it? I am so sorry I could not love her back before. The way I would be able to love her back now. It was bad timing. I was in a depression phase. And other stuff that made the hole go even deeper and deeper into the dark abyss.

If we had worked, she could have saved me. We could have gotten married. I mean it’s possible now of course. But back then, I would have freaked out at the idea of getting married before graduating from college. Just my personal beliefs, your mileage might vary.

I feel even more sorry if she’s single all these years because of waiting or thinking of me. I don’t want to say any further.

My Flame

Then we come next to my Twin Flame. Hmm, ironically she isn’t my type. Perhaps she has no type of guy either, instead relying on her intuition when it comes to choosing someone. Not that she gets to pick and choose. She’s sort of “out of commission” at the moment. If there was a way to describe her state, yes, that’s how I’d describe my Twin Flame’s current situation.

My Twin Flame has only begun to realize and recognize bits of her personal truth. Here and there. Now and then. It isn’t much but I’m glad that all the love I’ve sent her, my prayers for her and well-wishes amounted to something. I want her to awaken. I’ve also learned my personal truth: I used to be vindictive as in wanting wrong-doers to get their retribution. I was arguably vengeful and petty. But to the people who have done me wrong the past 10 months, I’ve handled our conflicts with understanding. And feel sorry for them, having to be the way they are and also feeling sorry for how things between us turned out. And feeling positive about it all. Within the time I’ve grown, I’ve changed. I hope my progress makes her grow and change too.

In my opinion, my Twin Flame doesn’t have the qualities to make a good partner in marriage? That’s an open question. Perhaps time may change her? Now on to her good points. She’s a good person. My Twin Flame can be a great person, but only to her close person. She was a great person when with me. But still not enough to make a good partner in marriage? Another good point she has is that she’s not confrontational. But as a consequence, things do not get solved because of her bottling things up. She could have told me about her mental health condition, rather than me playing detective and having myself to match her symptoms to her diagnosis. Another of her strength would lie in her hospitality. Which was probably bred into her, but also very likely to be in her very nature. I know I have earlier mentioned that my Twin Flame wouldn’t make a good partner. However, that’s on the whole. I’m saying that, aside from that, assuming a relationship worked, she would have made a loyal girlfriend and wife, faithful to boot. I cherish that. I won’t take her faithfulness for granted. I have told myself I’ll never betray my Twin Flame. Thinking of her and telling her higher-self that too. I know I may sound harsh when describing her or even casually talking about her, but that’s really the way things are. Still, this is pretty normal and common, with many people continue loving the person despite seeing the flaws of the one they love.

When I considered being with her, it was truthfully only after concessions made. I set aside resources to help her. If I were to live with my Twin Flame and spend my life with her. But things were not so bad that I’d have to get myself accustomed to anything. We talked about children. She wasn’t keen but that could change? About stuff like sex, it wouldn’t have needed much discussion as there’re bigger things than the libido, we didn’t realize then we are Twin Flames and how intense unions can be, plus other reasons like how some things for us both are too telepathically obvious for us that they don’t need to be talked about. Stuff like that were too far into the future to dream about now, “now” which meant back then. Sacrifices needed to be made for some people to love. Sacrifices needed to be made for some people to get together. Some couples are luckier perhaps. Of course there’s a school of thought that would recommend looking elsewhere for someone else so sacrifices needn’t be made and of course who wouldn’t? That’s the point of sacrifices, when there are other ways out there, sticking to sacrifices is the whole point. It does not apply to everyone though.

My Lecturer

I’m not thinking of my lecturer, but I thought of bringing her up. Because she’s very friendly to me. I’m thinking more of aceing her module. Initially I was apprehensive towards her because of how over-friendly she was being with me. I was at the course orientation and out of nowhere she came over to sit beside me.

I have social anxiety to some degree. In my early adult years I went through a period of healing. In my early adult years I also spent time at some place which had about a couple dozen strange and weird people whose negative influence over me brought out my social anxiety. When I’m alone, I’m a confident man. My social anxiety kicked in when the lecturer came over and sat beside me and her vibes caused some apprehension within me. So she sat down beside me and did not talk much to anyone else. I was only noticing for most of the time her attention guided towards me.

We talked about careers because the course was supposed to open up opportunities. Well, I learned that I could have picked a better topic because people in academia tend to not be updated with the working world outside the walls of academia. She could not help much with career advice. However she tried.

I’m still going on and on about her vibes. She feels like the right person at the right time and even more uncannily at the right place. I never met her before this and she just happened to appear out of nowhere. Now, I’ve attended an info-session and never saw her. In the selection interview she wasn’t in the panel. In fact she does not even teach my intake. We’d have no other way of meeting other than that course orientation. But through her interaction with me I could tell that she has been waiting so long to meet me. And it kind of freaked me out. To put it truthfully.

And you know what else? Circumstances changed that made me having to apply to take her class. Go figure. And I knew it had to do with something more than meets the eye. The first session we had, she was facing my part of the class maybe 70% of the time, and of that time, 80% of it was making eye contact with me. I simply appeared attentive and made sure I didn’t appear rude. I was only slightly relieved when I spotted a ring on her fourth finger. So I assumed her to be married. You know, because if she were single I was afraid she’d start making bolder moves.

I won’t take advantage of this situation. I want to think she’s very friendly and return in kind politely. She’s presentable and someone whom I can respect. Under different circumstances we could grow closer and resonate with each other. I feel a kindred spirit with her.

My Message

Perhaps my blog post is about learning how to accept love from somebody. And how to give love. And not just giving and receiving love, but kindness too.