Wings Clipped

Don’t these clouds look like feathers on a wing?

How are things recently, and how have I been this week?

This feels like answering an AMA.

For starters, my hair’s getting more obedient. Seems thicker and fuller. The last time that happened was when the Moon was in Leo. And I’m a Leo Moon. Speaking of astrology, we’re now in Mercury retrograde again, the last retrograde for 2019. And things have been smooth. I am thankful this is the case. So apparently not every Mercury retrograde brings about chaos. Well, what do you know? The retrograde period ends in 2 days’ time on the 20th of November.

Things have settled down in work. I’m laying low, because my objectives are completing my part-time studies. Not going out full guns-ablazin’ for a promotion or recognition. Hence, I’ve not been talking a lot to my coworkers. I have free periods that could be used for studying. But a professional image has to be upheld, of course. My wings are clipped. Having the free periods that I can’t use to study discreetly.

When I do study, my mind’s focused on the here and now. But I need my mind to wander. I’m someone who looks at the bigger picture, someone who plans far ahead in the long-term. Someone who dreams. My wings are clipped again here, constrained to periods of concentration during my study periods. So whenever I take a break from studying, I let my mind wander.

I’m also retrospective. So my mind has wandered, and my mind has recalled the past. I had a dream wherein I remembered coworkers back from 2013. That was when I was in a temporary role during college break. I struggled to remember their names. I could remember Michael the single dad, Janice, Frankie, muscle-man Alvin, Rose. Then comes the 2 middle-aged men in our department. Oh, it took me awhile but eventually I recalled. They were named after kings. Richard, and Roy. King Richard, it is, the man who appeared in my dream. We went together to collect his award in that dream, only for him to leave halfway during the trip for some personal emergency. Richard had the celebrity vibe and looked like somebody famous for being the prince of ballads. And Roy, the hipster in his slim jeans. Who smoked a ton, I could smell the lining of his lungs. Weird sentence, I know, but he smelled that way. Roy, literally meaning king. Yep, it has been 6 years.

Back then in that job, I was studying as well. Made a mistake of studying a subject that had no way of manifesting into a job. It was my interest. I wondered how it would have been like if I didn’t pursue that subject at college? Then I realized it was inconceivable. That subject was my passion, still is. Our passion rather, that subject being my Twin Flame’s passion as well. But we were too many years apart to have crossed paths in college. Though we could have. If we even crossed paths, we barely did, but it wasn’t divine timing for us to appear in each other’s lives yet. That was insignificant though, because we live in nearby neighborhoods and would have crossed paths several times in our lives anyway.

My wings were clipped because I had a passion in that subject. Which had no way of leading into a career. But I just had to do it. And welp, it dragged my life down. Hers as well. Same for my Twin Flame, she was dragged back in life thanks to having an immense interest in that same subject. I spent the morning today wondering what could have been. As mentioned, I wondered what if I didn’t pursue that subject? Nah, that possibility has been struck off. I surmised that I would have done it one way or another, one time or another. To jump straight into what I concluded:

I should have instead taken that subject on the side, as a Minor to my degree. It would have shaved off the electives that I didn’t need. And where I only took the bare minimum modules I needed. Also how without those electives, I would never have met 2 young women who I took a liking to. I regretted having ever liked them, though. But at that point of my life, it seemed right. Digressing a bit, here. One’s a student from a neighboring state who took the Math elective that she never needed and that she took up for no good reason. She was bad at math too. But thanks to her mistake we met. The last time I heard from her was on LinkedIn, apparently she had not forgotten me after a jealous ex-boyfriend of hers forbade contact between us. She studied Real Estate.

The other young lady, who I took a liking to, likewise never needed to take this other separately math-related elective module. We met under the strangest circumstances. Her Major was not related to this strange module at all. And a pretty strange module it was. Full of abstract theory. Confusing notations. That module was taught by a bad lecturer. He continued using an overhead projector and transparency slides in the 2010’s. Which was very odd, and awkwardly out of place. We had to read his handwriting, make out what he was trying to say through his dentures, and I can’t believe still ranting and giving another module review after all these years. God bless the old man, though. I guess nobody could teach that module any better. It was so hard to understand! So this young lady, her Major did not even have any relation to the strange subject matter taught in the strange module. Towards her final years in college she dabbled in drones. But thanks to the strangeness of how the Universe operated, we met. The last time I saw this lady was at a theme park around the end of 2017 with a small group. Surprising thing was that the theme park was closed off for a special event for special guests, and how we crossed paths again years later.

So back to what I concluded: taking that subject (which I had an interest in) as a Minor instead. It would have given me the education I was looking for. And would have allowed me to pursue another subject in college that could this time be transmuted into a career. Upon graduation.

Here comes the last point. Why were my wings clipped? It would be about my inherent issues back then. Looking back, there was no way I would have made an honors degree upon graduation. I had issues to heal. Stuff happened in my late-teens that put me through some setbacks in having a healthy outlook in life. Both in body and spirit. In retrospect, it would be so easy to say that if I had read a different subject in college, my problems would have been solved. That’s easier said than done. The best I could have done was to first read my passionate subject as a Minor. And the next best thing I could have done was to focus on a Major that would have led to a proper career. Those were the changes I would make if given a chance to do it over again.

My Twin Flame has her wings clipped by not having awakened. Though she has issues to heal, being awakened would provide her with the spiritual awareness she needs and allow her to identify problem areas to improve. Divine timing would eventually open her eyes. Till then, I will continue doing the inner work. I believe that it will reach a point where she would be better able to overcome her triggers, her stupor subsides and clarity would come flooding in to show her the truth.

And if there is anything more I could say about my Twin Flame, we’ve met several times before without even knowing it. I’m very confident we crossed paths in college. And places. We did. I knew she was the reason why I was led by my heart and why I made all those decisions. And how I spent all those years as a consequence of the decisions I made. Not knowing why. But now I do. I knew our lives were meant to become entwined. Our paths led us towards each other. To my Twin Flame, thank you for saving me.

Our Personal Truth

Searching for my personal truth has been on my mind for a week. And defining exactly what a ‘personal truth‘ is to a person? Such ideas were sparked off from something that happened. Someone reappeared in my life, and our brief interaction gave me something to think and talk about. I take a personal truth to mean a person’s flaws and core beliefs, core dispositions. Things that are difficult to change overnight. Things that require somebody important in their life, like a Twin Flame, to mirror and bring to the surface.

Bringing our truths to the surface.

Talking to my Twin Flame, I brought up questions from her subconscious to the surface. Questions that will bring her personal truth to light. It was the least I could do (for her) when we reappeared in each others’ lives. We’ve been in separation for some time now, but this encounter was a checkpoint for us to reflect on our journeys. The encounter only happening at a time and place the Universe has decided upon. When we spoke, interacted in the 3D, I wasn’t asking her questions for my own benefit. I was not so much interested in what has been happening in her life as I was interested in how she has been growing! Whether she’s still the same woman. She best not be, because I would really like for her to grow.

And what answers she gave me in reply were not for me to hear. The answers she gave me in reply were for herself alone. To both ask those questions to own heart and to hear her own heart’s reply to these questions. To note down the answers by heart and discover her personal truth. And then to take action by working on areas that need her attention.

Everything from the tone in her reply, to the level of detail, all these are what her heart replies back to her, in response to the important questions she ought to be asking herself. Her truth. No friends will bother with her triggers. Her mom won’t be concerned about her growth or her personal truth. She’d want her daughter to be the same spoiled girl. Probably, I wouldn’t know, more interested in whether she has eaten her breakfast that has been bought for her. Or whether she’ll need a ride home. Stuff a parent who’s caring (but nonetheless really clueless) would be more concerned with. God help me when I become a dad. I think I’m starting to understand parenthood.

Of course, before I even began with her personal truth, more importantly I have asked myself the same important questions. I started with myself. It began with me. I have spent the past week searching for areas I have overlooked. Did a sound check. I’ve grown so much this year. But I wonder if there are flaws of mine that still need working on, which I have overlooked. I think I found one today. That would be my penchant for being particular about the truth. In general, I’m very particular about truth. Take for instance, truths about other people. My Twin Flame (back when we were close) thought that I was talking about people and that I should do less of it. But I really was just focused on the truth. I simply wanted to learn from others’ mistakes but my Twin Flame might have taken it wrongly and saw it as me talking about others. I won’t deny it and think she might have a point, but she has totally got the context wrong. I wasn’t out to attack people, laying out their issues for critiquing. I wasn’t out to point out other people’s flaws. That’s totally not my job. That’s totally not me. I might have been worried for others instead, overly concerned that what they were doing will not lead to things ending well for them.

I was analyzing the truth of others, and I was doing it for us. I thought that if I could find lesson pointers from the areas where others have done wrong or need work on, both she and I could learn something. So that we could not repeat the same things. So that we could better ourselves with the knowledge. I have been seeking growth, looking for weak areas to work on, but she was instead stuck with her own limiting beliefs. Perhaps I did not word myself well or maybe sent off the wrong energies and got misunderstood by her. I wholly accept that this might be my flaw. I will work on that.

While starting to write today’s piece I saw Dr. Eric Perry’s post from 2018 pop up in my feed. You Are Not Damaged. I read through it and found certain parallels with 2 people. One is my Twin Flame, the other, my cousin. My cousin is somewhat like my first friend, brother/sibling and somewhat an important person to my life and identity.

For my Twin Flame, she thinks she went through some ‘trauma‘. Here I go again, talking about others but I’m trying to make a point here. Her trauma would be related to relationships and being accepted by people, given her somewhat difficult personal truth. My cousin’s trauma would be parental neglect and being betrayed by friends, given his similarly difficult personal truth. They both struggle with their personal truths because they were uncomfortable in their own skin! They were sick of their own shit. They didn’t like the way they are, but found it hard to muster the resolve to change themselves. The way they are was ironically what caused them their traumas. My Twin Flame has problems interacting with people and maintaining long lasting bonds. That’s her personal truth which led to her relationship failing, or more accurately her relationship not being able to take off. My cousin is the middle child and ironically he is treated the best among his siblings, even now, but it wasn’t enough for him. He got betrayed by friends because he would betray his friends himself. That’s his personal truth.

But they both know this and hate on themselves, when they were both beautiful to me. They were both accepted by me. How they both saw these life experiences as ‘trauma’ is where I disagree with. Both my Twin Flame and my cousin didn’t go through traumas. They never had traumas. They both live in big houses for God’s sake and are in a moderately well-to-do social-economic class. They are both just spoiled children. Welp, the folly of our youths. Dr. Perry’s blog post really nailed the problem. False negative core beliefs. Exactly.

What we see as a trauma might be really a lesson for growth. We don’t lead perfect lives and there is bound to be pain. But pain helps in our character growth.

Player’s Dilemma

This is a spin on the classic case of the prisoner’s dilemma. Over the past day, I have experienced 2 events that involved parties who can choose to either cooperate or to serve their own best interests. And the consequences being that either someone (serving their own best interests) wins small, or that someone can forgo their small wins and allow multiple parties a chance at a much larger win.

In the classic case of the prisoner’s dilemma, of which a reader here might have heard different versions of, there are bank robbers Dave and Henry. Ok, in this example which I took from investopedia, no one’s really a prisoner. Yet. (Don’t get this example mixed up with the Hat Puzzle, involving actual prisoners.)

Hat Puzzle (not the example we want)

So Dave and Henry were arrested and in the interrogation room. The gist of it is that, x) one of them can testify and save himself at the expense of the other [who has to do 3 years]; y) both of them can testify, landing both 2 years each [total 4]; z) both of them can not testify, landing both 1 year each on lesser charges [total 2].

At this juncture, parties can choose to either cooperate or to serve their own best interests. And the consequences being that either someone (serving their own best interests) wins small, or that someone can forgo their small wins and allow multiple parties a chance at a much larger win. If this were extended to more people other than Dave and Henry, it means that the entire gang can do a lesser sentence together, as opposed to 1) 1 person going scot-free and the rest doing full-term sentences; 2) everyone doing more than 1 year each.

Mahjong (not the internet solitaire)

Mahjong. A Mahjong event I attended was 1 of the 2 events I experienced over the past day. I’ve been in casual games competitions before. Big 2, Texas, and Avalon. I got to be first runner up for Big 2 (a card shedding game based on Poker hands where deuces are wild, hence Big 2). This has to be my fourth casual tournament, in which we played Mahjong over 2 rounds, each person starting with 500 chips per round. Each table was seated 4 players, and the competition had 9 tables.

Mahjong is a zero-sum game. With each player given 500 chips, they amount to 2,000. The score after a round would all add up to 2,000 as well. I topped my table in the first round, final scores being 678 (me), 587, 406, and 329. I got the last score for my table in the second round, though.

Even though Mahjong is a zero-sum game, in competition settings, the rules are tweaked. So before you enter a competition, read the rules first. So in a typical Mahjong game, one goes out for a win when they have completed their hand, otherwise the game ends in a 4-player stalemate. However, things are not as simple as going out for a win with a completed hand. Sometimes, or actually more often than not, one would forgo a small completed hand to build a larger and stronger hand. To earn more points. And the points increase by double each tier. Like the first tier would score 8 points, the second tier 16, and so on with 32, 64, 128.

The competition rules were structured such that the winner of the competition had to score the most points, meaning having completed hands which were of the higher tiers. Not just score the most points in their table. So there will be 9 people from 9 tables vying for the winner’s spot. This causes a dilemma because of certain individuals in the individual tables who keep going out for small wins and ending the round prematurely. So a final score could look something like 680, 440, 440, 440 as opposed to if larger hands were played, a last player could be down to the 100s. And if the entire table of 4 people cooperated to only build large hands, hence playing longer games, there is a chance someone from the table will be the winner of the competition. But if all 4 people served their own interests by going out for a win at every completed hand, then nobody has a shot to become the winner.

This is what I would consider soft collusion. We are not really king-making. A concept in games where a person who is in an unsalvageable losing position – that player’s actions decide who wins, from among a few individuals. Or better than I can word it,

In broad terms kingmaking is defined as a game situation in which a player that has no chance to win will nonetheless choose which player does win through his actions – usually knowingly.

MMM

In fact, nothing in the competition rules supported going out for the win on smaller completed hands. Topping your table in the first round did not ensure your place in the second round. Everyone goes through. There was no round-robin or elimination.

The second event that I experienced over the past day was speaking to my Twin Flame. I was on the way home and since we go to the same places, frequent the same routes, we cross paths more often than we even notice.

She thinks she is doing her inner work. I believe her. Welp, at least I want to believe her. But while speaking to her, it was apparent that she has not had her awakening. Which was what I was more interested in. I took this in and understood it as an indication from the Universe that I haven’t done enough inner work myself, and haven’t sent enough love her way. But from our brief conversation, the unconditional love was there. At least it showed, though our time was brief. She has been working on her triggers and no longer ignores me outright. It wasn’t much, but the improvement was so slight, I don’t know if it was because she has indeed made improvements, or if it was because Venus the planet of love is now located in Scorpio.

Can our situation be related to the player’s dilemma? Yes. The prisoner’s dilemma, unlike Mahjong, is a non-zero-sum situation. Both my Twin Flame and I can walk away from this 3D separation phase with abundance! If only we cooperate. She is lonely and doing her lonely thing, and directionless. I seem to have many answers that she needs and is searching for. And I will be the only person, ever, who will care for her and understand her. Ever.

Speaking of her, she’s still a 4. Hehe. With her puffy face, red all over from her tan and acne. I have not considered her as my romantic interest in the past. For my own good, I would not consider her my (rational) romantic interest now. She’s my irrational romantic interest of sorts. With no other reason, not her looks, nor her personality, not her smell. Other than that we share a bond. If it wasn’t for this bond, my situation would be less complicated. I am doing the best I can to cooperate. I hope she does her part too. Else we’d both become prisoners of our own making in the Prisoner’s Dilemma of our own making.

Feeling A Shift

No, there is no shift happening. Except perhaps autumn. I’m just feeling distracted most likely from lack of sleep. And growing day to day is a tiring experience. Something has to give.

Hmm, I have been having a re-evaluation of my Twin Flame dynamic. Comparing my experience with that of others. There are many skeptics out there of the idea of Twin Flames. Some think that believing that someone is your Twin Flame is bordering on delusion. Most common ways to explain away the feelings of thinking someone is a Twin Flame: a teenage crush or limerance; middle-age folk who cannot get over some lover from their youth and re-connecting decades later; older people with younger people in May-December relationships; married people rationalizing having affairs. I don’t fall under any of these categories. Someone uninformed and confident about knowing me might say it is a coping mechanism for rejection. The closest one would be this: coping mechanism to handle someone who has rejected me. I’m aware of these reasons for delusion. Is that enough to show that I am sane and not delusional? Sure, there is a coping mechanism, but the coping mechanism is not for rejection, it is for being in separation with my Twin Flame: that I’m on this spiritual journey of growth, because there is nothing much I can do to get to be in communication with her again and see her again. Therefore the best thing to do in the meantime is to work on myself. To do the inner work. Back then, we were in a close friendship and I did not profess my feelings or even asked her out.

What happened was that she fell into some problems with her life. She struggled with her plans for a career change. She struggled with depression, which I later found out more closely fit bipolar symptoms. She needed some insight to things before she made any mistake with her life, she needed someone. I was concerned for her as a friend. She had given a lot to our friendship and I could have walked away anytime, but I couldn’t stand by and not do my part as a friend. She was growing distant, which was why I even decided to even try figuring out what was going on with her. Which led to me learning more and more. It was my desire to help that I thought she would listen more to me if we were seeing each other, if we were together. I was prepared to be there for her. I thought it would be great if we could grow together. We’ve even discussed our plans for a career change over several lunch “dates”. However, at this point she was not willing to listen to anyone and have been cutting off people from her life. There you have it, the reality from my side of the story.

Was I interested in anyone? Yes, but not her back then. In fact, I even have a catalyst Twin. My false Twin. And in fact, I was even more interested in mending relations, however toxic they were, with my catalyst false Twin than with my actual Twin Flame! Go figure. So when relations frosted between my Twin Flame and I, what did I do? I simply decided my personal career growth was more important. I was prepared to be there for her, but apparently she did not want any help. I walked away to focus on my plans for a career change. But I still kept one eye on her to find out more. Back then, I have not realized she is my Twin Flame. While still around, I kept an eye on her to see if I could jump in any time when I was needed to provide help. When no longer around, I could then forget her.

And forget her I did. It worked for weeks. I met my Soul Tribe. People who were there for me, for each other. We motivated, inspired, encouraged each other on our career growth as we underwent a course together. We did project work together. They were everything I ever could want in a Twin Flame but the sweeter deal was that they were not 1 person, but came in the form of a small group of a few individuals.

But then, I noticed I was often looking up at the flat screen timetable to look to see if her courses happened to be on the same day I had my courses. And wondering if we could bump into each other. I could not shake her from my mind. This lasted for the rest of the course. It was only during the very day before I was to start the first day of my new job in June 2019 that I realized that she is my Twin Flame.

Things started to mellow out during the first weekend of October 2019 as I felt the connection weakening. Of course that’s nonsense. I simply found that I was thinking less and less of her. Or maybe gaining some clarity, or perhaps skepticism. I was aware of how there were better romantic pairings for me and that I did not have to stoop down to her level. If she wanted to stay where she is, I should respect her decision because this is her life. She might even think I’m trying to control her after all my efforts.

That’s all there is to it.

The more I think of her, the more I am shaking my head. She hardly surprises me because she says what I would have said, she thinks what I would have thought. But I’ve managed to break out of that cycle and gained clarity of my past wrongdoings which is how I’m now able to see these behaviors (typical of my old self) being repeated by her.

I am slowing down a bit the past few weekends to smell the roses. Hardly have time for hobbies till now. So I’m making time. In the past, this would have interfered with what I’m supposed to do and sap my attention from more important things. But the difference now is that I have a purpose, a goal. I can indulge in my hobbies but still remember to come back to what work I am supposed to do. Trying to make the best out of this situation and see what I can learn.

I’ll leave a quote here:

Movie Review: Weathering With You (天気の子)

Weathering with You (Japanese: 天気の子 Hepburn: Tenki no Ko) is a 2019 Japanese animated film. Spoilers ahead.

In the movie, a runaway 16-year-old sailed on a ship to Tokyo to start life anew. On a cloudy day, the sun beams pierced a hole in the clouds and shone a patch of gold on the earth. He saw how the patch of gold moved with the billowing clouds, with such breathtaking beauty. He cycled as hard as he could to catch up to it, till he reached the edge of his island where it went further and further out to sea. He had his intuition telling him to follow the moving clouds and sun beams in order to reach a place of sunny abundance.

A girl in Tokyo looked out her window and saw on a cloudy day, the sun beams piercing a hole in the clouds and shining a patch of gold on the earth. It rested on a spot. She braved the light rain and followed it. Finding out that it shone on the roof of an old abandoned building, she climbed the fire escape stairs to the top to find a gateway shrine. Stepping across the gateway she physically disappeared and was transported to a spiritual realm in the clouds where transparent gel-like fauna lived in a cumulonimbus ecosystem.

Living without their parents and independently fending for themselves in Tokyo, a city with no simple living expenses, the 2 teens learned to save up and rely on their wits. Fate drew them together.

Here’s my review on the movie. I liked, or rather agreed on how the film treated the romance between them. Serendipity thrust both of them into each others’ lives. Boy and girl became business partners in the weather witching business. Boy and girl, mature in their own way, grew concern for each other because both had issues and slowly romance developed. I liked it because it wasn’t love at first sight, although at a point there was a knight in shining armor scenario. None of the cliché tropes with how romance develops. Just 2 people who found love in a hopeless place. Empathy, care, concern. Just 2 people having hopes for the future where they could make ends meet. Just 2 people growing together. Just 2 people weathering the storms with each other. Just 2 people going out to defend and look out for each other. Is that overly dramatic? Is that wishful thinking and deep fantasy and unrealistic? Is that deluded or even too naïve? I don’t think so.

I thought their romance was genuine, sincere, based on trust, with none of the theatrics. Just nice. No one was dying to impress the other. Not so pure and innocent, because there was maturity and love, platonic at first. But nothing less than it. Was there codependency? Perhaps the boy was invested in the weather witching business not just for the money but to allow the girl to develop her gift and exercise her powers? Is that considered feeding her ego? I say the boy was invested in the business because he wants to put her on a pedestal. And while there are ways to see that as codependency, I don’t think that counts as codependency. Whoever thinks they were codependent in the story is heartless, to say the least. These were 2 teens needing cash and to make ends meet. The girl had a little brother to support and he attends school. Hello? And in a scene she almost went into adult entertainment out of desperation. Hello? The cash proceeds from the weather witching business was much needed to make ends meet.

No one was dying to impress the other? Well, he bought a ring for her. I thought that would be overdoing it, since he had not confessed his love, especially by Japanese standards. But then I don’t claim to understand Japanese romantic vs non-romantic gestures. I wouldn’t have fussed over what she liked. It’s Japan. If she was into anime, I’d get her anime-themed stuff. Like maybe Naruto merchandise. If I wanted to get her accessories, perhaps trinkets. She has those wind chime-y mobiles dangling at her apartment so maybe ear rings. But a ring? Wow, boy? Then again, I don’t claim to understand Japanese romantic vs non-romantic gestures.

Plot-wise, I could understand how the mechanics of the never-ending storm worked. Which was a plot device. You see, the girl was fated to be a human sacrifice to remove the never-ending storm. There was a part where she sacrificed herself to end the storm and stop the flooding, but then by having the boy sacrifice life and limb to return her to the physical realm, the cost of it was 3 years of never-ending rain. Which said it in bold, “I want you back even if it meant having to weather the storm with you.” Just beautiful. But then, the pacing of the film suffered here because the film rushed through the 3 years, which they spent apart from each other?! It took me a while to gather what was going on here. I thought they should be weathering the storm together? Alas, my rash rationalization got ahead of me. You see, the Japanese are subtle and complex. Poetic. Their idea of the 2 of them weathering the storm together was to weather the storm together, but apart. My God. He spent the 3 years on probation where he went through high school and graduated, then prepared for enrolling into a Japanese university. And to be pardoned only on good behavior. By spending time apart, they not only weathered the physical storm together, they also weathered the emotional distance together. Weathering 2 storms effectively.

Someone told me she found this film better than Kimi no Na wa. Also done by the same anime production house. Compared to Kimi no Na wa, this film has a weaker climax/conflict, but a smoother story because no time travel is involved. I couldn’t compare the 2. I’d say the production quality of this film is on par and meets expectations. I’d say the film was great enough on its own that it didn’t suffer too much damage from the odd pacing and odd climatics towards the end. Well, it was odd because you had the climatic showdown, resolution, then an abrupt jump to an extended sequence of spending 3 years apart when you expected the resolution to lead smoothly to the end of the film with nothing left unexplained. Still a great film. I don’t like to give stars when rating a film for its story, execution, pacing. But if I do give stars it will be for the production quality, loosely affected by the pre-mentioned metrics. So easily 4-and-a-half stars out of 5 for production quality. The film did not feel long? I genuinely lost track of time. The film didn’t take long and hard analysis to understand. The film really entertained me for… I don’t even know how long was the film. Because that didn’t matter! The film really entertained me for the entire time.

I will be also definitely be watching Hello World, another anime movie that is slated to be released in October 2019. Depending on where you’re from. I saw the trailer and I think the title is an homage to every computing student’s introductory course to programming. A simple “Hello World” statement, which is one of the first lines of code they learn to write. It was 2005 when I had my basic course.

Embracing Change

The only constant in life is change. It can be very hard to let go of a job, or a dream, but this is only how we navigate the river of time. And where do rivers flow to? The river of time leads us to places we don’t know of, but we know we cannot stay in one place and resist the flow that is meant to bring us to new and exciting heights.

I once made the mistake of staying in the previous job, when I really should have ventured out and taken a course to convert myself into another industry. The intern who enlivened my months had to go back to Scotland. Things had settled when I got confirmed after my probation period. I thought I could wait it out a year or 2 while the job market improved. But in reality I was wasting precious years. Month after month, a humble salary helped me to tide over a chunk of my 20’s. And I was largely uninspired and did not know what to do next.

Recurrences

As with recurrences, history is bound to repeat itself. If there ever comes a day in which I am placed in the same scenario, I will use my experience to fight for a better outcome. We can’t change the past, but when presented with the opportunity to face the same crossroads again and make the same decisions, how many of us can say that we will make things better this time around?

Surrender

It had been a whirlwind Saturday night when I met up with my seer. He is an ex-coworker who introduced me to Tarot cards. Back then he was an amateur reader and studied a thick book on Tarot reading. There are many good things about him and I am thankful to have this friend. I knew it was going to be a fateful encounter because every meeting we have had gave me insight on what next to do in life. He is my oracle. I knew the Saturday night’s dinner was going to reveal more on what I should be doing. Boy, I was in for a show that night. And he delivered, as always. And we come to the topic of this blog post. Change.

I had to give something up. I had to initiate a closure to end a loop. That was all. It was basically regarding something I will reveal in bits as the whole story is a convoluted one.

We were going on about the main topic, and the night drew on with nothing mentioned about my Twin Flame. When right on cue, a pop song she likes started playing. Signalling it was time to shift the topic, something which I couldn’t wait to share with my seer. Our night’s discussion was secondarily going to be about my Twin Flame. It was so… … strange, crazy, paradoxical. The insight my seer gave me regarding her. In December the year before was when we had another meeting, which was the one where the Tarot reading was done. My Twin Flame separation phase happened a month in. But of course back then I did not know she is my Twin Flame. That night in December, I talked to my seer about her and the readings show that I had to move past her. Ok, no problem with that. I’ve already gotten used to her sudden silence (when before that, she was coming up to me everyday and I loved the attention). Even thought, good riddance, now I can focus on my course. Which was coincidentally (and expectedly) in the same graduate school as her. I can’t really shake her off. There were days when I could forget about her and focus on my projects and lessons. But her energy was just around the place. She attends classes at different times. And she constantly creeps into my mind. This snowballed over the months till June, a day before the start of my new job, that I finally realized that she could only be my Twin Flame. The girl who’s so sticky and who seems to keep coming back and who’s on parallel paths with me, our routes headed towards the same direction. I shared some of this with my seer. Told him I have found out who my Twin Flame is.

He had only gotten around to read up on Twin Flames the days before our meeting, so we could discuss. He immediately started quoting rules, one of which is that Twin Flames are mirrors. His understanding was that they had to be very identical. I knew that sounded off. The mirror concept was meant to say that another person allows oneself to see what is happening within oneself by using the mirror. Besides, they are supposed to complement each other, so being identical misses the point?

Anyway, back to our primary discussion, about work. This was what I got out of my seer: he told me to let go of something, embrace change.

[added 31st October 2019] This came at a time when I was facing some problems at work. It was a temporary career I have taken up after completing short courses. So while I could qualify for the interview and I could land myself the job even, I was grossly unprepared for the actual role itself. Hence I was having second thoughts. And my seer seemed to suggest to let it go. Well, yea, that will happen one day given that this is a temporary career move. The question was a matter of when it will happen. But all said and done, it’s a good career. A legit one at that. A modern career that’s respectable and reputable, that did not exist before the internet.

Then my seer suggested that I could do… … Before the words came out of his mouth there was a pause and I knew what was coming. Her flexible job. Here’s the moment. He was going to suggest me to take up her role. And right on the dot, he said the 2 anticipated words. That described her occupation. I did not even breathed a word to him what my Twin Flame was working as. He innocently walked into it. Or he was guided by the cards into suggesting I do the same work as her.

Look at the parallels our lives share. And who knows how many other parallels which my Twin Flame and I could potentially share?

I chuckled silently in surrender. Couldn’t believe it. The parallels were amazing. That’s why we’re Twin Flames. “But that’s what she’s working as!” I blurted out. “You are just confirming everything.” When earlier he was skeptical. And he ended up going one full circle and coming back to what I have been trying to get across. Wow, this was insane. I was metaphorically rolling my eyes, incredulous that I REALLY CANNOT SHAKE HER OFF. I immediately told myself I’m not going to go there. It is ridiculous, but romantic, even bittersweet, a pleasant feeling on the whole. That would mean we keep mirroring each other. It never ends, I just need to learn to accept this and love this. Alright, I will surrender. No problem. I will focus on what is important first, then worry about my Twin Flame issues second. I went home to sleep it off. And the next day I started scheduling the months ahead.

What bounds us? Our hands and feet are seemingly bound by uncertainty as we stand before the future. Because we don’t know what lies ahead. But by following the flow of the river, the heart could be embracing change, which is much needed for finding oneself.

Poker Hands

Golden playing poker cards on white background — istockphoto.com

I’m back at talking about hands again. Clammy hands, now poker hands. Seems like it’s a recurring theme. Recurrences. Why poker hands? Well, I was walking along motivational posters while out for lunch and one said, “The biggest risk is not taking any risk. — Mark Zuckerberg”, and poker is a party game involving risk.

June 2020 Edit: I’ve repurposed this blog post to talk about more meaningful stuff. It was originally nonsense and a blog post I was least proud of. It didn’t say anything other than talking about my luck in love and comparing with poker hands. I left that part at the end so you can read it still.

Poker is a game of incomplete information. We can’t see our opponents’ cards. We don’t know which cards are still in the deck. At best, we can only guess based on the information given to us. I’m trying my hand at this, to talk about love, to talk about information and how we can use information in our lives. In the context of love and relationships.

One piece of information is whether our significant other loves us. What if they don’t? Will it change anything? What if our significant other has been too close to someone else, what if there really is nothing between them? Will it change anything?

How will you use the information? Will you take it upon yourself to go dig more? What if the evidence are false positives? Will you let the evidence speak, or are the evidence really only substantiating what you have already decided to believe?

When it comes to love, what do I believe? I believe information is useless. It transcends evidence, it is based on the heart’s beliefs. Love is strange. Love contradicts. Why is it that some people can do things contrary to their commitment and loyal faith to their lover? And yet it was all just a mistake — they truly have only love for one.

For those of us not in relationships, why is it that we cheer when we know our romantic interest is not with anyone else? For those of us in unrequited love, why is it that we find peace when they are single and lonely? I don’t know. Is it still love when we want our romantic interest to stay single? Is it still love when we wish for our romantic interest to find someone and be happy? I say yes to both.

I say, and I believe, that information is useless because it does not make a difference. That knowledge doesn’t change someone’s love. That knowledge doesn’t improve an unrequited love’s chance. But how should we view this or how should we behave? I would say, leave it to the Universe. If you are meant to know, you’d be given the information. There is no need to dig, it will come.

I see poker hands like the luck people have in love. Some get better hands, some get crappy hands. It doesn’t matter because we can’t control this. It does matter because we can perhaps learn something from it. I believe it is no coincidence why some are more lucky than others in love. I don’t know why, that’s why I want to find out.

End of June 2020 Edit: The original blog post is below. I left that part at the end so you can read it still.

I’m about to compare relationships with poker hands. These are loose comparisons and done mainly for fun.

Straight

Dependable person. I met a lady who is of dignified standing. Nothing flashy but has all the basics expected such as faithfulness, diligence, etc. It feels as though I got someone who treats our relationship seriously and works on it. So we dated a little and got married. Very little can go wrong. We have a healthy distance between us, and there is some mystery about her, but in healthy amounts. The only mystery being how much of a better person she can be, or really is, that hasn’t been shown to me yet. A great catch, a keeper.

Flush

Maybe an extension of the previous kind of relationship. But what more would she have? Looks and money? Maybe being funnier? More chemistry?

Full House

Marrying someone I found on Tinder, met in real life, dated for a time. Is like a full house. Frequent, passionate, surprising would be words to describe the sex life in such a pairing. The connection was founded on physical compatibility. So that’s one department in the relationship that has been well covered. There is nothing that cannot be fixed. Now comes the buts. But, we’re not on an intellectual level. I’d rather not voice my opinions or start topics which are too shallow for her. I can’t seem to follow the conversations she has with her (few) friends as well, because those friends of hers are too deep. And academic. Nope, it’s not really a problem, right? Marriages aren’t supposed to get too tense, intellectual, scientific… … Right? One would rather like to feel relaxed, forgetful, turned on. Is it? Can I just forget the fact that we are on 2 different trains of thought, and focus just on the kids, the household matters, the sex? At the back of my mind, there’s always the elephant in the room. That I might be just an objectified piece of meat. That the shallow partner is just there to make the scholarly partner forget her battles, her goals, her inner struggles. And she needs her inner struggles, else it just feels strange. Maybe I want to remember. Maybe I don’t want to forget?

Four of a Kind

I considered a future with her. I thought of how our common backgrounds, shared history, visiting and passing by the exact places but at different times, close proximity of where we live, similar and compatible comfort levels with sex and intimacy, on and on, would lead us into a satisfied marriage. Or at least a marriage close to a satisfying one. One that is based on something beyond love. Something more! Like a sick joke where it is possible to marry the person you most deserve, the closest thing to marrying yourself. Or more specifically, my 11:11, who has a funny walk, my puffy-faced, big-teethed, stinky, sickly, hormonal and manic depressed Twin Flame I so unconditionally love. Ok, I’m nothing of those. So maybe the last part about marrying yourself, does not apply here. I think the people who saw us together everyday thought that I must be blind to want to be with this girl. Don’t pretend, people, I saw the looks you gave her and it does not take a telepath to know what you are all thinking. I know her flaws, people, I’m not as daft to what she is like in person. I was with her, for a time, because she is my chaser Twin Flame. I’m not so good at rejecting advances. I’ll let the girl hang around, prove herself, and be my usual chill self.

But there are ones who are better for me. I know I should love myself and not put myself through the torture of picking the wrong person. But then again, does the concept of the right person even exist? No actual human being can ever measure up to the romantic fantasy of a soulmate. But that is why there is one level above soulmate, isn’t there? From my experience the Twin Flame trumps a soulmate because rules are bended. With Twin Flames, the connection is not by choice. The connection exists whether or not there is mutual love. Unfortunately. It goes beyond love and trivialises the grandness of love. Which does not mean that there can be a Twin Flame connection in the absence of love, what I am trying to say here is that there exists an adhesive that is stickier, gooey-er, messier than love and does not conform to the normal rules regarding love. Without the limitations. Throwing the rules out of the window, sweeping the rules off the table and flipping the table. And then some more. My four of a kind, my 11:11 sticky glue.

Straight Flush

Does not happen? This would be like the perfect partner I only saw a picture of once, read up a docket file on listing all her info, like degrees, net worth, habits, etc. then instantly fall in love with. And cannot refuse. And then next thing the person shows up and says that I am the perfect partner for them! And that they have been looking all over for me. It does not happen under normal circumstances. It happens less frequently than even a Royal Flush. Or a PowerBall.

These are loose comparisons and done mainly for fun. I think the loose idea is how somebody can be so flawed and yet more compatible and suitable to me because of some spiritual connection. It’s sort of a paradox.

My Progress

This blog post serves as a check-point to how much I have grown since my journey began. After my awakening of sorts. Which was when I had been awakened to this connection which I share with someone. I’ve never grown this much in a short span of time.

The positivity. I’ve made inroads in this area. I’m no longer over-thinking as much about minor setbacks that happen. This is no longer 2007 or 2008. Over the decade I have learned mindfulness, so I can keep my thoughts in check. We can’t really control thoughts, but can control how they bleed into our moods and actions. I used to have these paranoid thoughts. Is someone back-stabbing me? Does he have a grudge against me, that is why he is picking on me? Will I be asked to leap off 10 meters into a swimming pool? Just some examples. But for real, I got removed from a Whatsapp group by a fatherly figure. It triggered immediate anxiety in me, but thankfully my progress and growth calmed me down and made it subside within an hour. But that one hour I was trying to find an answer. Of course the answer was shared to me, and it was related to the verbal warning I received in the blog post Clammy Hand of Hope. It followed up one week from there to another meeting that was assessing my performance on the job. Multi-tasking school and work was tough. The events in Obligations, where I studied for and took the exam, greatly affected my performance at work.

Have you been in a tense situation? Like facing the possibility of losing your job? Or there was a blackout and the lift stopped in the middle of the shaft in between levels? Or getting followed by someone who was sexually attracted to you? Yes for me. I’ve faced the possibility of termination at least twice (the first time was over not reporting to work during a serious smog). I’ve been there. Trapped in a lift. Being tailed by a potential sexual predator on a deserted road both of us were exercising at. Till wild dogs started chasing him and saved me.

Ok, anyway the meeting went not as bad as I thought. The fatherly figure came over to me later when I was brooding alone, not joining the rest for lunch and facing the possibility of losing my job. No, I was not being asked to go after all. He still gave me assurance and was so cheerful when I was still reeling from the tension from the earlier half of the day. Then he tip-toed and danced away. I will never forget the positivity in everything that happened. I will get my act together.

Most people would ask the question, “Why is this happening to me?” However, I ask a different question, in sort of a third-person detached mode, “What is the lesson I am being taught here, this obstacle I must face, and how can I overcome it?” I still got tense during the meeting which was to assess my performance on the job. But as cliche as it sounds, they say that, “Courage is not the absence of fear.” I know these obstacles were thrust into my path so I can be taught something. So I can grow. And I go back and think about the partner who is in this journey with me. Owing to our connection. She might not have awakened or see me as her Twin Flame, but she did question. She did wonder. She was initially the one who asked me if I knew what a Twin Flame was. Well, back then I did not know.

No more negative thoughts. No more unhealthy obsessions. No more lingering on the past and still wanting to be carefree and hanging out and idling. I have work ahead of me. I will get there.

Clammy Hand of Hope

I’ve been thinking a lot about hands recently. The previous post, Obligations, was originally meant to be titled The Invisible Hand. I just stayed up a little later tonight not because of work but to digest my supper. Could not help myself but looked back at a particular photograph of a friend I’m particularly fond of, for she saved my life and career. But of course from bits of the story from the blog, we’re no longer in contact. Over time, I pieced the clues that led to me finding out that there is more than meets the eye regarding our connection and the circumstances of us meeting in life.

She held out her hand in the photograph, with this bloated expression of a sheepish grin. There she held out the palm of her hand… and I admired how her bony and angular fingers stood in sharp contrast to her puffy face. The female index finger is longer than her fourth finger. But the puffiness of her face was something I noticed for the first time. At this point in life, she’s starting to look like her mom. Well, eventually she would, but it has to come someday? Her mom has these huge eyes and big teeth, whereas she just has her mom’s teeth. But the puffiness of her eyelids kind of made her eyes bigger and I just only noticed the resemblance now. That is adorable, and I know she’ll only get more adorable with age. She used to tell me that she’s putting on weight. But I saw her everyday. And seeing her everyday meant I didn’t notice any difference. Oh, and love is blind. That too.

Staying Positive in Negative Environments

I mentioned in a previous blog post that I am thankful for having this path. That it felt like I was living someone else’s dream and given a chance to get to this place. I still am thankful. Everyday I step into the gate, I take some time to admire the sky, the morning air, think about the person who helped me get to this point. And others who have contributed on my journey.

How is this perfect picture possibly all perfect? How does this perfect picture get ruined? It can’t be ruined. It won’t be ruined. I am positive. The Universe will oversupply me with abundance.

So it was a Friday and I wanted to grab a quick meal then work through lunchtime. I swung by the next block: 1 adjacent block away to be precise, bought some food and rushed back as soon as I could. Doing this effectively shortens my lunchtime by the way. I sacrificed time to work in peace and quiet. Somebody who I respect and still do, I don’t know what got into him that day, flew into a fit, and it was visibly also scaring his fellow managers. He insisted I was away for an hour. Which was impossible. Given my intention to make it short and return. But without any further details, those present agreed that it would lead to a verbal warning and an email for record purposes.

It isn’t like these things happen to people once in a while. It’s pretty common. In fact necessary? I was once in a training school several years ago where they put up a nice front for trainees, unbeknown to them that the postings they would get after the course would have negative environments. That they would be deployed into operations where things got toxic typically. I’ve known this to be the eventual fate of our batch (we’re similarly in a training school). I spent years looking back at how things could be different. Some lucky ones stayed in training school without getting deployed because they either kept failing the course requirements or due to some administrative hiccup. I subconsciously saw myself there and it must have manifested in the events that Friday. Because what happened was unexplainable. I wholefully respect him still. We clashed because of fundamental differences. He and his biases, me and my background, our differing ideas for productivity. Once I get posted out of training school at the end of the month of July he will be off my back. I tried to calm down and be positive. Even waved bye to him when he knocked off work to be with his family while I did overtime. He reciprocated and seemed too happy to go home. My principles are intact. Hope that he trusts me and gives me the benefit of the doubt.

Living in a Crisis

During the exam day in my blog post Obligations, this term popped into my head. I was prepping up and steeling myself for the very last exam that has anything to do with my current role. There would be another exam in a year, this time for the course my company sent me for, that’s assuming if I continued staying for 1 year more.

I had to pass by where she was working. Come now, no, I’ve definitely not been checking up on what she has been up to in life. After we parted. But being an awakened Twin Flame, you are sensitive, things can get so clear and facts could come right up to you, just believe me when I say that the Universe wanted me to know where she works. There is no way of checking up on that. Impossible. I got to know only because I happened to be placed on the route where it was even possible for me to know. The news was shoved into my nose. What could I do?

And what did I do with this knowledge? Do my runner thing of course. Avoid her. I mentioned in my blog posts that I am the runner. I made sure I kept a lookout to see if she could be anywhere near and could have spotted me. I made sure the timing does not match. If I know that’s the time she might report to work I am extra cautious of my surroundings. But that place is just where her company is based. I don’t even know if she reports to the main office or is deployed on the ground.

So I just thought that this Twin Flame separation is kinda ridiculous… It obviously helped both of us grow. But this game is childish. To be separated from your Twin Flame and to be awakened is a gift but also the realisation of everything that is happening means I know I am living in a crisis. We never got to resolve things between us. Not a conflict per se, but just different routes life is taking us, yet similar routes the Universe is driving us towards, push and pull. Back and forth. Like a see-saw. The only conflict being within each of ourselves, not between each other. That is one thing I am thankful for. I am constantly reminded that I live in a Twin Flame separation phase and it is driving me to make things right in my life in the belief that I am meant to do that until some higher power is satisfied with things and forgives me. To redeem myself.

Remaining Positive

I never knew what became of her manic depression. Answers are really that it just needs to be managed. That caring support is needed. But of course I make sure that I’m positive in my own life first, which I am, before starting to be concerned for someone who might not even be concerned for me. I love myself. I’m aware of how things stand. I can send love and hope the best for her graduate studies and eventual career change. But of course I’m also working on things on my end. My successful career change and crossover is not the end of the story but essentially the middle phase of my larger career plan. I am positive and will remain positive.

Clammy Hand of Hope

About that. I’ve finally come to that. The ultimate clammy hand I touched. It happened on the exam day. Obligations was meant to be longer and here I am, still talking about the day. While on the course, I caught the eye of the indisputably most beautiful classmate I have ever been classmates with. Only because of a huge class size which helped for her to be considered my classmate. And we’ve never been split into smaller tutorial groups so we attended lessons all together in the big lecture hall. It was the last day I could possibly see her, ever. And we were about to enter the exam hall. I’ve thought a lot about her because she’s of another race. She’s beautiful on the inside too. She has shared so many resources to those who were on this large Whatsapp chat group. Free textbook, her personal solutions to some tutorial the lecturer did not give solutions for, other stuff. The Whatsapp group was meant for only local students, but the class rep decided to include her as well, sort of like a distinguished member. Such was her beauty that even a girl was constantly sticking around her, making conversations with her, typical swooning behaviour. Hey, I’ve not made any assumptions here… We’re all free to love.

It was something small, but it will sound like something from a teenager’s blog. And they’d go on how that person was meant to be with them, etc. No — there’d be nothing like that from me. I just respected her inner beauty and obviously, outer beauty. Nothing more. She’s just my most beautiful classmate. Period. Perfect 10. Without a doubt.

And what happened was that when the crowd were on the way into the exam hall, she was in front of me. She dropped a whole bunch of her colourful post-it strips, which fell toward her left, into exactly my path. So it was just me who helped her to pick up her stuff. And when I passed them back to her my fingers brushed against her clammy palm. Moist. Sticky. I was pretty surprised that someone so beautiful is just like anyone else and has sweaty hands. Surprised at something I should have known. I don’t know what she made of it, when I helped her to pick up her stuff, like a scene from some teen novel, but I think at that point in time I have probably just become a White Knight to her. Maybe her life might have even flashed before her eyes? She has just touched the hand of someone who has found himself. My life has changed so much from love and awakening, it’s no joke. I might have even passed some of that good stuff onto her? I can’t tell. But I silently wished her well for her exams as we both entered the exam hall.

The exam was going to spell the exit for 20+ people who must leave the course. It was the hardest paper many have ever sat for. There’d be even those who need to go home to their countries after this if they could not pass the paper. And after thinking thoughts earlier in the morning on how I am living in a Twin Flame separation phase. But her clammy hand of hope gave me the strength to be even more positive.

I hope my most beautiful classmate passes the paper. And have good memories of staying in my country.

Hope.

Obligations

Liabilities.

Commitments.

Do you have religion? Do you wake up early in the morning, have a meal, then fast for the day? Say on a special day, for religious reasons. Do you know how it feels like to do this? Do you find it torture? And wonder why do people do it?

The Romanticism of Suffering

I had a — how shall we say? I had a rather religious day today. Ok, I had an exam. Not that I was to undergo a test of faith, nor was it a special religious day. But I had an exam. Yeah. And it was… like — a test of faith. It felt like that. I woke up early in the morning. Like 3 hours before sunrise. I had a small meal. Sweet coffee, eggs, sweet jam toast. Enough for the caffeine and sugar rush to boost me during my paper. I fasted for like, 9–10 hours. During which I was doing last preparations, sitting through the exam itself, running other chores after that, buying my food and going to sleep before waking up to eat my late lunch. I tasted how it feels like. What the religious people must be feeling. The suffering for nothing in return, that leads one into the belief that their soul can be saved or just a chance to practice their love for God. No, really, I cannot compare and in no way can I ever see why they do what they do. Nor can I claim to understand. That’d be distasteful. I’m just… believing what I want to believe. I’m humble about that. I make no bold claims. So take what comes after as purely my romantic point of view: I want to believe that they feel love. It’s a different kind of love. Spiritual love. I think they are motivated by the implicit romanticism of suffering. And I was there preparing for my exam, going through that torture of waking up early and fasting… because I wanted to do well in the paper. It felt romantic. Why? Wasn’t doing well in the exam what I was supposed to do? Wasn’t that my commitment? In truth, the reason is because the exam was a liability — I already got the job. I did not need to do the exam nor even take it seriously. The intent of that exam was to conclude a course I took to change my career. And since I managed to successfully break into the line, and am now happily holding the job, the exam turned into essentially an obligation. What I don’t have to do, but ought to do. And want to do. It only feels right for me to take it seriously. It only feels right for me to want to do well. Despite not even needing to. Obligation? Liability? Commitment? It’s all 3. Different depending from which angle you’re looking.

Unfinished Business

So I took the day off from work just to have a reunion with my classmates. My cherished friends also career changers. Talked about how’s it like in school. Things seem to be going downhill with the administration. Talked about how’s it like in my job. They held jobs before, but not the kind of job that the course was preparing students for. So they’ve never really tasted how working in this line is really like. Of course all chatter aside, we’ve an exam to sit for. Of course they knew my situation — that I was just there to fulfil an obligation. Right. Since I’m already there anyway, I might as well make my time worth by putting up a fight. But aside from that, I’m really, really there to do my best. And tie up unfinished business. I want to. No, it’s more than that. My previous blog posts, if you’ve read, would tell readers that I’m sort of a spiritual journey. That I was growing everyday. It was more than unfinished business. It was more.

Oh, and if you wondered how if I left the course for a job, why was I still able to come back for an exam, leading to a question whether I was still in or out of the course? Is this some sort of Schrödinger Cat riddle? Don’t ask. That would be a big clue I’ll keep private.

The Invisible Hand

I’m sceptical and won’t say there was extra help sent to me for the exam. It would even be out of my character to start my blog post talking about what happened in the hours that led up to my exam. Because it concerns some mind-boggling coincidences. And implications of the coincidences. So in the exam we were allowed to bring in printed material. Barring smart devices that can access the web and google for answers. We could print out our self-made notes. And for some folks whose native countries don’t speak English, dictionaries. Et cetera. Since starting my job I’ve very little time to study. I had a month up to the exam but had my hands tied with long days. I could barely even prepare my own self-made notes to bring into the exam hall. But scraped by, using whatever time I had, to gather some notes. Print. No way, my printer is giving problems. 1) Built in updates, 2) planned obsolescence, printer companies are starting to rip people off. Updates would make it impossible to use the printer with non-authentic cartridges. Nah, that wasn’t the issue. I’m not cheap. I bought original cartridges. The issue was that 3) the printer did not allow printing in black ink only, if the other colour cartridges are empty. Printer would just freeze and make the customer purchase colour cartridges that they won’t be using as much. Alright, I bought replacement colour cartridges. Slotted them in. Printer detected cartridges and prepared to startup. Well, great! Ink levels went up. All’s fine. Print job.

Wait, an error. Please switch off and then switch on printer. Contact support if problem persists. Ok, several attempts are not working. Took out new cartridges, slotted in old cartridges. Printer was back online! What magic is this? So, were the new cartridges incompatible with the old ones? Did I need to change all 4 cmyk new ones before it worked? If so, this would be fourth on the list of underhanded tactics used by printer companies. Alright, we’ll get to there. 4) Now my magenta cartridge, which was previously at 10%, is now detected to be empty.

I was distracted from my exam preparations. And my classmate who’s been seeing me as her White Knight needed help printing some cheat sheets. Since her rented apartment had no printer. I thought I could fix the printer by the night so I agreed to help. I continued studying, though it was an uphill crawl. I slept only 3 hours and woke up 3 hours before sunrise to get to office so I could print.

Invisible Hand. I reached my office. The most unlikely place to find ready printed notes. Pertaining to my exam. But yet they were there. By coincidence. NONE OF MY COWORKERS were my classmates nor taking my course. WHO PUT THOSE THERE? An angel? Myself from the future? Somebody who time-travelled and wanted me to do better in my exam? And why?

The pages were disorganised and not in order. It appears someone compiled their own notes, printed the whole document. Some error and the printer got stuck. That particular office printer’s tray door was loose and print jobs terminated half-way. Those ready printed notes were a portion of the entire document, but good enough. They were abandoned. I just printed my own stuff on another functioning printer unit, packed up and took the mysterious papers with me to the exam. And lo, I found out at the points in the exam I was stuck at, the mysterious papers helped me.

My printer had failed so that I would get down to office. To find those mysterious papers. Wow.

I spent the whole day mulling over the possibilities. Rationally, there was someone in my office who was acquainted with my lecturer. Possibly someone from the previous cohort who made the notes. Since the person knew where online the lecturer put her post-class reference material. Every rational possibility I went over. I asked anyone I felt had answers to the mystery. Who was the mysterious author of the “codex”? It was not left deliberately for me. It was a coincidence the particular office printer unit failed too and someone’s half-printed job was abandoned there. Coincidentally the half-printed job was comprehensive enough to serve my needs during the exam. Invisible hand. Religious day.

Blog post originally to be named The Invisible Hand.

Yesterday Once More

It has been a peculiar morning. Feeling adventurous, I decided to travel further from home to buy breakfast. It is like one of the days where you wake up from the wrong side of there bed — but not quite. Just felt something was off.

That would explain the change in routine. Something was indeed coming. Why I’d feel adventurous to try something different? Perhaps for a change? I don’t know. I arrived and queued up for breakfast, when at the right moment, a busker played a tune from The Carpenters. He had just done setting up when I arrived and started his first song, Yesterday Once More.

Like a loop, new things begin. But they never quite end… I’ve noticed this happening sometimes. I’d come back to revisit that thing again later in life, this time properly concluding it. Like a loop. What has started must be abandoned abruptly, then revisited one day, coming full circle for the loop to be finally closed. So 5 years ago, around this period (now we’re in July), I knew this intelligent and feisty intern. She’s pretty unassuming on the surface with her expressions, mannerisms, but really, her bold and creative streak… makes her feisty.

One of my first experiences in being a mentor to a coworker was with this intern. I don’t know how we got acquainted, but she was too gifted and too different, that she didn’t fit. She might even be too scary for them. There’s a dark side to intelligence, and I’ve seen how always obsessing with the right answer as if life was an exam — can kill the mood in the room. But thankfully she was nothing like that — girl still had enough people skills, and very interesting opinions to various topics to keep conversations going. But I’d still put her as “fiercely intelligent”, as it can sometimes lead to confrontations. I know the feeling of not being understood by the common folk, having to cry in the toilet, not being able to make it to work in time like normal people… But she was a very interesting person, to me. It was so rare to know a genius and I was really attracted to that. I was very impressed that she graduated from the top high school and enrolled into 1 of the ancient universities of Scotland. I want to make a kid like that! As in, when I get to make kids in future.

Yes, how did we get acquainted. The thing is, I would consider myself to be very good at making friends, and like making friends easily. People just come to me. So I am pretty aware of this fact of myself, even sometimes avoiding social contact and casual socialising, otherwise I’d have my baskets full… So there was no unnecessary interactions with her, but our encounters accumulated to the point we had to make talk, and the brief exchanges grew and grew… My intern friend was also a perpetual latecomer. Like, “redefining working hours” kind of late-coming. So, there’d be run-ins with the HR, and she needed to stay back to pay back the hours. Somehow I stayed back 1 fateful day, had a chat with her in the pantry while she stays back to do her time. I don’t recall but I think it started from there that I’d continue to stay back with her and be with my friend. But then her internship ended in September and she returned to Scotland to complete her final year.

I had tried for years manifesting back someone I knew when I newly joined the previous job, how it all seemed like lost because she was based in Scotland. She was cynical, typical of many intelligent people, did not like her life and home here. It was such a lost cause till one day I was thinking of her up again and found out she came back. After years! I shared the news with my Twin Flame who was in her own herbivore mess herself — all was cool, there was no mutual interest between my Twin Flame and I back then despite us being so chummy and so close. Additional details clipped out but there were no boundaries. All was cool. With my Twin Flame, who I did not yet know is my Twin Flame. She even encouraged me and supported me. Oh, about that “herbivore” thing, more on that.

Before my previous job turned me over the years into a sōshoku-kei danshi, or herbivore man, I had interest in my young intern friend. I was young myself of course, new to the job and very glad I knew someone who was also new. She was everything I wanted in a life partner. Unlike my Twin Flame — before I knew she is my Twin Flame — who just so happens to be another herbivore. Go figure. I have said before, I wanted to make kids who are like this intelligent person. This person was easily the reason why I was emotionally unavailable, combined with my herbivore phase, right up till I met my Twin Flame and during when I was regularly with my Twin Flame. I think the spell broke finally when my Twin Flame suddenly had career plans, got her manic depression and changed her personality, made me consider her, then ghosted me shortly after. After my Twin Flame ghosted me, and back then I still did not know she is my Twin Flame, I tried to get back with the intern.

As I tried getting back with the intern, the studio just wasn’t opened and seemed inactive. I took it as a sign, I just got the gut feeling I was not to contact her again. I don’t know why, but the anxiety was discouraging me to proceed further. Else something bad might happen. Coincidences, but I found out the studio was moving. And changed address the very week I would resign from my previous job. Wow.

What a day. The busker who performed that song really took me back. It’s yesterday once more.

Working Backwards

Future

I don’t know what lies ahead. The future remains unknown.

How can we prepare for the future when we don’t know how and what events will unfold? I have been trying to solve a problem that has not exist. Fixing my future. Many of us are caught up with busy schedules, week after week, I doubt we even have time to reflect on the future. And when there is so much ahead in time that lies unknown, it makes it unproductive to even start thinking about the future. But I do it. I think there is a way to properly future-proof one’s career, for example. I think the way to move forward is to work backwards.

Working backwards allows me to choose a future I want and work backwards from there. A lot of my reflections concern with how to get from here to there. I choose my future. Then build a possible route where I can get from here and now, to there and then.

Coexistence

The boundaries can become blurred. You’re so close. Where do you end? Where do I begin?  When does the present end, and where does the future begin? Envisioning the future a lot can make it seem that I am already living in the future. It is like manifestation and the idea is to believe, and believe hard. I am already there. I have made it. The work has paid off. The journey is going to be a fulfilling one, the journey is a fulfilling one, the journey has been a fulfilling one. The past, the present, and the future coexist.

I think it was the block universe theory that says there is no “now” or present. Or rather, this is in my own invented words, there are several “nows” in what can be considered an omni-present. All moments that existed and will exist are co-happening with the present.

Loss

What did I lose? I lost dead weight. I lost baggage. I feel light and I am moving forward. I have moved on from the perceived setbacks from the past and have capitalised them as necessary expenses on the path of growth. Capitalised the costs incurred when building my dream. I choose to focus on the good stuff, what I have been given by the Universe. I am blessed.

Confession

I confess that I have not always been thankful of my blessings. I confess that I have not always done my best. I confess that I have gone for the stuff that are not good for me. I confess that I have paid more attention than I should have in maintaining the friendships with people that are only concerned with what is best for themselves. I confess that I did not treat my Twin Flame as best as I could. I confess that I squandered my blessings, especially her. That I was emotionally unavailable. I confess that I was too sceptical towards her, incredulous towards her insecurities, too lax towards her symptoms and somewhat running away from our connection. I confess that I have been guilty of being too passive in our connection, letting her do most of the work. I confess that I have still yet to completely learn the lessons my Twin Flame has been trying to teach me. I confess that sometimes I get distracted and do things that derail me from this spiritual journey our connection has put me on. I will work harder.

Determination

I will work harder. Days are long, but I’m determined to see progress each day. There is work to finish with amazing opportunities given to me to fight hard and show my potential. I will work harder. Days are long, but I’m determined to see progress each day. I will move forward.

Reunion

The reward of hard work. And letting fate do her thing. It is hard to / why can’t I — see it unfolding now, but it will be there. What I look all over for is / I close my eyes in doubt at — something that is just standing right before me. There is no need to search for / all that I need will surely be — something that has always been there.

Recurrence

Your Name (Japanese: 君の名は。 Hepburn: Kimi no Na wa.) is a 2016 Japanese animated film. Spoilers ahead.

In the movie, there was the story of a meteor impact that destroyed a small town by a lake three years prior. The main character has a recurring dream about the event, did his research and found out a disaster happened three years before. Managed to time travel and avert the the lost of lives by evacuating the town.

Sounds like a different movie like you remembered watching? That is because the focus of the synopsis is all different. Most people will tell you it’s about body swapping. That’s what they remember about the movie. To me, the movie has full of signs regarding the idea of recurrences.

I was walking through a small shopping mall yesterday evening when I went into a Japanese themed shop which was playing the theme from the movie. So it brought me back memories watching the movie. Then I thought at first to write a movie review. But having not enough time these days, rather than re-watch the movie and write a proper review, I will base my post on what I remember about the film.

What stood out to me was recurrences. The movie was set around the recurring dreams of 2 youths. Where you know, they’d swap bodies. Also, if I remember correctly, how every recurring generation there was a chosen female guardian from the remote village who was able to receive prophesies from a god.

Let me supply more details about the movie. Hmm, I remember it was the female main character who started behaving oddly and who was the one who saved the village from the meteor. Speaking about odd behavior, it turns out the girl’s grandma knew what was happening to the girl because prophesy apparently runs in the family. And the girl’s prophesying powers were explained by the boy being able to possess her body from the future. He was able to control her body from the dreams. They were both also able to almost make a physical connection thanks to the powers of the god, who made it possible when they met at a space-time dimensional gateway by tracing the rim of the impact crater at a certain hour in the day. And it was there and then that they promised to meet? They’d seek each other out in the future.

So, did I get the details correctly? There might be only a few out there who remember the movie the same way I did. Now, I’m not sure how many readers would be stopping at this point, like going, “Is this even the same movie?” “Is this guy making things up?” “Did he watch another version of the movie from his alternate reality or something…” Disagree away. I think my memory of the movie has become muddled with time.

Recurring dreams. Recurring generations of girl prophetesses. (Must they be maidens, though? Did the grandma retain her prophesying abilities?) One major detail was the recurring comet. Something which blew my mind in the movie was how the lake beside the town was originally an impact crater itself! Which over time pooled with water into a lake.

The meteor that struck and destroyed the town was actually the second impact, which happened to take a trajectory that led it to eventually land very nearby to the first. Wait, did they refer to the impact craters as a god and a goddess? That the lovers will re-unite one day? If I recall, the prophesy said so. But the odds of two meteors hitting around the same spot? I can see why they were lovers. Destined to cross paths. No matter the time and space apart, they would eventually re-unite.

The cyclic nature of time.

I myself have experienced this in life. Encountering the same kind of person over again. I’ve known people who remind me a lot of some others before them. Personalities, lifestyles, down to the hairstyles. I’ve also encountered the same kind of scenarios. Allowing me to do better each time. Similar conditions I’d recognize which remind me of what I’ve faced before. Recurrence.

The cyclic nature of space.

No one can verify this, but studies of the observable universe hinted that space is infinite. And that the same patterns of voids and galaxy clusters repeat over and over and over again. And if one went far enough, one would find another solar system with an identical planetary system, that means with another earth. Recurrence.

The cyclic nature of wealth?

This is something that is not bound by physics. People control their wealth. I believe that unlike fate or pre-destination, people can do something about their wealth. Poor people remain poor, they say. Top minds might even propose the theory that people are pre-programmed to be poor. You might want to read up on that. The system is designed to produce employees who work for their money. I only wrote the last paragraph because I had a conversation with a friend about whether people are here for learning or whether people are here for the money. I agreed with him that learning is indispensable. But I held the balanced view that the thirst for learning has to be balanced with a grounding in reality. I didn’t tell him that though. There does not have to be recurrence here, because people can make choices and have means of taking control.

I believe that recurrence can teach an important lesson. So by learning how things recur, one can learn how the world works. And learn how to make the best of things. Seize and take control. Create opportunities. Because if you don’t do that no one else will be there to do so on your behalf.

Lastly, the movie also showed me how the boy was able to seize and take control in order to avert the disaster. He made it all possible, because no one else was able to travel back in time. He could have gone on with his life, and the meteor would have always wiped our their lives. The past will play over in a loop. The future would have always been a lonely boy without his girl. And by playing the hero he not only saved lives, he pushed the limits of humanly influence on time physics, and he also got his soulmate.

Growing and Sharing

Part 1

I should be sleeping now after a long day. And sure, the days are long.

I am so focused on growth for the whole of this year. After a some time last year doing online research, asking my heart where I should go, sharing and exchanging plans with my former lunch buddy, that dear girl from my previous posts — I’ve set myself up for a journey and have lots of late nights since. I’ve come a long way in just a short time. And here I am now finding the time to finish the night with a blog post.

I was deciding back and forth whether to rename the title Growth and Pain instead. Since pain is needed for growth. I’ve shared a lot about a certain dear girl from my previous posts, and how it was thanks to her help I made it that far. I have reached a place of learning? Knowing? But this place I’m at right now is just another temporary stepping stone in my on-going journey to realise my true career plans. And since sharing sessions with my former lunch buddy helped me to grow, why is there a need for pain? Who needs pain, when you can already learn quite a lot from sharing? Sharing is fun. Sharing builds bonds. Sharing is caring. We cared for each other though, even if either of us chose to deny it.

I was never hurt by my Twin Flame. Neither have we quarrelled, ever. It was very graceful and respectful of her, I think, to give me the silence. Manic depression, emotional baggage from elsewhere in her private life, other factors etc. that were outside of my influence and involvement, given these, no hurtful words were uttered, and even the way we parted was graceful… bittersweet. Accidental or intentional, I appreciate the way that she kept whatever happy past we had untarnished and unmarred. Sealed in time.

Our bond was perfect. Pure understanding. She took time to sit me down and with the remaining old-self in her slipping away, managed to hint to me what is going on with her mind and her personality, how she was changing into another person. I was her first therapist.

Our bond was perfect. Pure trust. We could relax with each other. I never got jealous. There were very few ways she could hurt me, thanks in part to our mutual belief — in the concept of detachment. I am not a Buddhist, but in a very traumatic time I wanted to learn how to internalise pain and maximise my effectiveness. And evade sources of pain. I picked up the Bhagavad Gita and also read up some on Buddhism concepts so I could get through that difficult time in my late teens (the lost years in Part 2 below). But since then I never felt pain as much, as I became too good at fighting it.

And pain is needed to grow. If she cannot cause me pain, then her role as my life companion to teach me and help me grow becomes limited. So I needed new people to fill that role. And since then, heroes after heroines have been stepping into my way to pace me and cheer me along, and give me water and strength and space and concern etc. as I run in this marathon, this journey.

Part 2 (the lost years)

Backtracking here to several years ago.

No pain — and the years following that difficult time in my late teens felt great. My early adulthood was a smashing time. (That last expression might be a little dated?) But it also happened to be the years where I was misguided and disillusioned. Never underestimate the effectiveness of pain. Without pain in my life, I felt invigorated, empowered, and was given a false sense of security. It was like, my head was up there. I needed to ground myself back to reality but I couldn’t. I forfeited the areas of growth I was supposed to work on. Like building my career. Best example. I do believe the period allowed me to grow in other areas though, so not all was lost. Yes, I went into different fields like the arts and languages, I made inroads in areas of all kinds. Not what a young aspiring mature person was supposed to do though. Yes, I did not roam the streets and whiled away my youth like some, but I was, no better than them? Yes, I took care of my body and had plenty of exercise — when those my age were clubbing, partying, and drinking late into the night, I went on long-distance night cycling trips. Those years with no pain was really, really, really, a young man’s journey of discovery.

So to pay the price, and try to make things more right, I had to first ground myself back to reality, then seek out sources of growth. Then make investments, stick with plans. Learn to adult. Accept long days are necessary for growth, and that I needed pain, right now. I need pain. I need to need growth. I need to find pain and I need to embrace it. Because time is short. I’m biologically, I don’t know, you can say my fresh graduate peers cannot tell I’m several years older until I tell them. I don’t think anyone senses anything too. But those close enough or happened to make conversation with me, I would share. If they were interested, I’d even share my experience with them and how they could do better than I did. I didn’t know any better. I thought I was growing, but I think I was just wasting away my young adulthood.

Time and again I still dream, but also remind myself to come back to reality. Rather than changing into a different person I’m learning to combine the 2 to have a whole that is greater than the sum of its parts. I am positive.

Having and Wanting

Part 1

The grass is always greener on the other side. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

Since changing jobs, I feel that the grass on the other side is indeed greener. My current job does not have everything, but it’s a major improvement. Closer to home, closer to night class, better pay, more potential opportunities for friendships than I could ever imagine.

I once heard that you can pay an intern a decent salary just to sit there all day and do nothing, and the person will still quit. So it got me thinking.

What do people actually want?

I already have the answer. People want what they don’t have. That is why there are highly paid people from wealth management choosing to change roles. And you have people who are able to go home on the dot, having free reign to practise their hobbies during lunch, after-hours (sometimes leaking into working hours), yet wishing they were paid more.

I won’t go into the specifics, but still talking about my current job, it has things that some people are dreaming of. No, it’s not the money. It’s not the time, none of that. No, specifically it’s the dream of having sponsored studies, a decent (but with no details you’ll have to take my word for it) masters degree at that, when others have to self-fund. Also in a full-time job, as opposed to a gig, also in an MNC, as opposed to a start-up. My current job has many things I ever wanted to have in a job, that I only finally got after joining this June. Many foreigners are self-funding a masters degree in order to convert their overseas degrees to be employable here, and it helps to have a degree with the local brand name. It’s being paid to live your dream. But sadly, this is someone else’s dream. I do feel guilty now and then. But understandably, if you have been sponsored to study a degree, which your bosses eagerly thrusting it in your face, bond-free, but the catch is you have no choice of what degree they are sponsoring you for…

Of course I took up the offer. In fact, I also took up the offer for this job even though it wasn’t my first choice. But still, when people are taking up online courses, paying for short courses, especially those with not enough funds nor academic ability to enter a local university… Here we are, the handful of us… lucky enough to be living the dream.

So I have want they want and they don’t have. I am thankful for all of this. And thankful how my Twin Flame got me here in life. If you’ve been following my blog, I’ve mentioned my Twin Flame. She helped me get here. There were several people before me switching into this industry but I just wouldn’t budge. My Godma told me to take up short courses to upskill and enter this industry but I remained skeptical. I got here because of a crash-course program designed to convert workers with zero background to be deployable in this industry. My Twin Flame signed up for a masters degree from the same graduate school. And by reading up on her course and the graduate school, in turn I got to know about the crash-course program. Thank you, Twin Flame.

Of course there are more intimate details here and there, but that’s as much I would reveal!

Part 2

Having and wanting. Sigh.

I already have my Twin Flame. And there are no two ways about that because this was not by choice. But do I want her?

When we were spending more time together, we were very much close but never, you know, we never officially went public? We just behaved like coworkers. We had a Twin Flame relationship going on. Looking back I could see why there was no need to “go official”. We had to be professional. More importantly, we had something that was a lot more! Who needs a typical relationship and a regular SO, when you have something greater?

However, the thing is that when you don’t go public, there’s no sort of formal… agreement? She had personal issues and needed to work on herself. I was understanding. I prayed so hard it was not manic depression. I pored through the internet, googling her symptoms and they all came back hinting at manic depression. Probably hinting is a light way to put it, but I’m no doctor, I can’t diagnose anyone?

Wanting her is very hard to do.

That was what I wanted to let out.

It was or is difficult for me to want her. I wrote above that people want what they don’t already have. And I have her as my Twin Flame. Now, is that why I don’t want her, is that why I don’t want to take her as my girlfriend? Is she not girlfriend material? She has a huge issue with self worth. No, I cannot say that I won’t take her, don’t want her because of her worth. Not at all. I believe in her. Back there I was even thankful for her impact on my life! The issue is not about her worth. She’s important to my life. And I do cherish her.

Wanting her is very hard to do because she isn’t ready. She’s not ready not because of her flaws. She has flaws that I accept her for and I do love her unconditionally. She is not ready because she is young. She is going through an episode that I understand and empathize with. I have been through the same thing. I know how it’s like.

I’m concerned for her. I want her to heal. That’s what I want.

I eventually healed too. Years ago. Now she needs to do just the same.

I want her to get better.

I want her to grow closer to her mom.

I want her to be receptive to the love that her small family is giving her. Even though she may not be outwardly receptive to my love, I know the sad feeling and I would not want her family to feel hurt.

I want her to grow up. But at her pace. I want her to enjoy her youth, and ever since realizing she’s my Twin Flame, I will spoil her, I want her to be happy, but eventually she needs to get wiser.

I don’t need her to reach out to me and to unghost me. It’s not out of self-interest that I want her to unghost me. But seeing as how I’m her Twin Flame, and ghosting me was a product and result of those issues she needed to face alone, it only makes sense that unghosting me is a strong indicator that she has broken the vicious cycle. A strong indicator that the dark clouds have blown past. And the blue skies are back again. The right thing to do is to come back to your Twin Flame. To embrace our connection. That would be the best ending to this episode.

That is what I want for us.

Manifestation

We’ve heard of the Law of Attraction. I think I first heard about it when I was 16. But really, The Secret or LoA is a re-packaged version of what I already knew.

My first major brush with manifestation came in my childhood. I watched an anime in the early 90’s, which had a giant robot and some time then, the robot toy must have been popular. So I had a bootleg 1/144 version — forgotten how I got it, but it must have been from some departmental store or a distripark wholesale. The instructions just didn’t fit somehow. There was a Dragon robot that was supposed to combine with the main robot. But the pieces somehow couldn’t disassemble.

Out there was a larger version of the toy. The authentic version, which had the full features. I was obsessed with how the Dragon robot could be combined with the main robot. I even tried using my manifestation powers on the bootleg toy to command it to work. Leaving the 2 robots together in the night and hoping they would combine when I woke up. This thing dragged on for months and the toy slowly became more and more rare, as it was swept off the shelves. It didn’t helped that the authentic toy back then cost more than 100 dollars. I hunted everywhere for it but the rare copies all cost 100 bucks. Or slightly under. So it was on a stormy night I think, that I willed really hard to get the toy. It was one thing that I wanted so much as a kid back then, that I didn’t see myself wanting anything else after that. I remember when I finally found a copy that cost 30 dollars, in the middle of a quiet neighbourhood shop. It was like I found gold. Or I found love. It was near impossible that the copy I found was only 30 dollars and the last copy available at that. Crazy sick! It was that one incident that made me believe in manifestation.

But things did not play out the way I thought it would. I had no trouble manifesting things in life. If I was really positive and if I really aligned my emotions towards it. However, none of the manifestations seem to bring me happiness.

I wonder why?

Whenever I would get successful, I would wonder what could have been if I went another route in life? Manifesting one area in life meant that I could not get into another area in life. Am I hacking fate? Should I just let fate bring me to where I was supposed to go? I felt empty.

My Twin Flame mentioned to me about manifestation too. Of course I knew pretty well what manifestation was, and am even secretly a natural at it. But I played along and listened to what she had to say. She talked about doing vision boards. I went, “so is that like a board you pin cut-outs on and other motivational quotes? Sort of like in the style of a scrapbook? I think my sister has one. I’ve seen it before.” But that’s true. My sister does have one. When I asked my sister about it, how she knew about vision boards, she said she didn’t realise that was a vision board. Or that it was a tool used in manifestation. She simply did it out of creativity. That explains it. Another natural. It must run in the family.

I manifested my Twin Flame too.

I mentioned before that my teenage crush led me down a path that did not fully help me grow. But a path which I fared decently in. So it didn’t make sense why I’d even proceed to further my studies in that area. I didn’t feel like getting out into the job market so soon. What was I thinking?! There’s no excuse, but a bad job market should not have been my defence for making such a decision. Did I think I was rich or what? I know I made mistakes, but back then I did not have any direction in life. You could give me the best advice and I’d be too self-assured to consider what you have suggested. Which sounds like my Twin Flame right now. She is now about the same age as I was when I went through this phase. So this path did not help me to grow. But it helped me to heal. I needed to be healed. I think that would be my best defence. I needed to heal — so any good suggestions for improving my career and my life would not have been effective because I had key problems unresolved. Like my Twin Flame right now.

So it was on most days after school where I’d wander around the quiet neighbourhood near my house. I came back from college and would take a longer detour just to take walks around the beautiful place.

I was young, I was directionless, I used to spend time taking detours from college to home and would pass by her house. One day I heard her voice loudly calling out to someone. My reaction was that there was a girl in that house and that someday I would like to get to know her.

Which I did.

By staying back 1 and a half years in college when I should have been out there getting a full time job, I might have crossed paths with her. When she was in her freshman year. So we took the same major. My photo was featured in a newsletter. She too did publicity for our programme. But that was only 1 of the many similarities we share. Poster boy and poster girl. Yay (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ Needless to say, we also frequent the same places. Home, school, work, etc. etc. By the time we met in person, she had grown into a young woman.

I still find it amazing. How my life’s mistakes seem to be setting me up for meeting her. It was not by choice — else I would prefer never to have met her and to have led a solid and proper early 20’s picking the right major, getting the right job, doing the right things. I could have even left my low-paying job earlier but dragged on till I eventually met her.

I also find it amazing how her life’s mistakes seem to be unavoidable as well. She was always set up to make my mistakes. She was always meant to become like what I was back then and needing to heal. Not by choice.

I am these days very careful what I am manifesting. You can say I am also careful of what I am doing and where life is taking me. My Twin Flame and I could very well be heading back into each others’ lives. (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ If that is so, I beg the Universe — please let me succeed on my current endeavour and enter into the career line I am aiming for — I am prioritising that. And manifesting that.

The Girl in My Dreams

It has been a long day. And it will be a long weekend. Balancing company training and graduate school is tough but a challenge I need in order to grow.

This post comes at the end of the day just as I prepare to sleep. Now, I will talk about my dreams, especially the ones where my Twin Flame appeared in. Most of them are just brief encounters, we don’t really talk much (in the dreams), but last night’s one contained sort of a message I think. A literal text message at that.

That last dream was the catalyst for me wanting to share The Girl in My Dreams.

Back then we were hanging out everyday. We were already in a Twin Flame relationship, now that I realise in hindsight. It is this strange in-between of friend, brother, coworker, adviser, neighbour, college senior, who attends the same enrichment and leisure classes, goes home together with — ok, ok — it really wasn’t by choice but we were simply thrust into each others’ lives. I now see why she wanted boundaries. Hey, it’s no big deal to me. There were 2 times I considered a future with her. I mean, spending so much time with her it was bound to happen. First memory was when she let out a big hearty laugh, hunched over and bared her big yellow teeth. Yeah, she got her big teeth from her mom, but not her mother’s huge eyes though. That picture of her so happy was seared into my mind.

I was not looking for love back then, and sorry to say was emotionally unavailable. But that was the first time I considered a future with her. I cut out a lot of details because she might have bad memories if she read this blog post. But sad things happened with her along the way, right up till the second time I considered even being with her. So sad stuff happened, we grew closer, the source of her misery was no longer physically around but she continued carrying the baggage — at least close to a year after. So we spent more and more time together, more than we ever had. And one night, I dreamed of her for the first time.

Dream #1 or at least the first time I remember dreaming of her. We were discussing our future together. And about buying a house. I just remember that her tone was frustration about where her dad was going to stay. I would very much do my best to take care of that. She needn’t worry about that. I woke up. Then it hit me. Her father passed on, she had mentioned to me before. I sat up in bed, wondering what it all meant. I interpreted it as a sign that I was entrusted with the responsibility to take care of her. To love her and provide the best for her. I’m not saying her dad came back from beyond to tell me to look after his daughter. But intuitives and sensitives out there would be inclined to see it that way…

I’ve never mentioned that dream to her. Because by then she had already stonewalled herself in. It could even make things worse. That dream concerning her father and buying a house was the second time that I considered being with her.

Now comes last night’s dream. After months of no contact, I read up on 5D. What happens in 3D is no big deal to me. I feel lighter, I concentrate on my life, concentrate on loving myself and growing. I read up on 5D to understand how can I connect with her beyond the 3D, how can I fully make the best out of the Twin Flame connection that’s still there. Still there. Despite the 3D ghosting. Stop checking up on them in 3D and trying to reach them in 3D, the teachers said. Look within yourself and you can find them. Love yourself, etc. etc. So that’s what I did.

Last night, I dreamed that my Twin Flame sent me phone texts. 2 phone texts at that. Out of the blue, her first text to me after ghosting was to come over and pick her up. She hangs out a lot in the city leisure district and I remember in my dream I made my way into the train network and came to the building, even took the elevator up, to the place she was finishing her event and I was going to meet her and take her home. I don’t know why I did it, but I did as I was told without asking. Just like that. As though the months of ghosting never happened. That she’s back to her codependent ways of always wanting to see me. And me always complying. I need a drink — here you go, drink from my bottle. I need your advice — sure I think this would be a good way to go around this. I need your opinion — sure, I’ve never heard of this per se, but have come across something similar. I think this is interesting… You want to try my drink? Sure, I’ll have a sip. Thanks, Twin Flame.

Her second text was something that surfaced from her subconscious — her innermost thoughts. There was static/gibberish in the first line — went something like “I am an american miena“, which I immediately knew meant, “I am an independent/brave/free/strong [girl from a minority class]”. So the text went like, “I am an american miena , I am no pushover”. So it was like she’s back to her codependent ways, which I liked, but also reminding me to tread carefully around her… when she turned 180-degrees in personality during the ghosting period while she sorts herself out.

I was still happy with the dream. I knew exactly everything that was going on. I will note down and document every message I receive from beyond sources. I am not obsessed, I am keen to make the best out of this experience and extract as much as I can out of this Twin Flame experience. I will be stronger. This is more important that expecting to see her again. She’s not ready anyway…

Why Tanuki Bruh

Tanukis come from Japanese culture. These racoon-dogs are believed to bring good luck. They are usually portrayed with big testes. Tanuki may flung their testes over their backs like travelers’ packs, or use them as drums. Contrary to how testes size is thought to mean more sex, the mythical Tanuki’s exaggerated scrotum has little to do with male virility or sexual over-indulgence.

The giant-balls Tanuki is associated with good fortune and increasing one’s money. This is thanks to how in Japanese, kintama, “golden eggs” and “testicles” are phonetically similar. In the anime movie Pom Poko by Studio Ghibli, the Tanuki even used their scrotal sacs as parachutes I think. I simply found them Tanuki cute — in the anime version, in art, as well as in real-life. They have moved into urban areas and even eat cat food left in the open.

I find them cute, and also aligned with my ideal of abundance. I think part of my spiritual growth involves creating and manifesting abundance — that means money, as counter-intuitive as it sounds.

5D Signs

I wonder what to post for my blog not because of too little content. But having content in advance, I am considering creating multiple posts in a day. I have not written for a long time, and my writing tone got less interesting from lack of practice.

What is 5D? Twin Flame teachers will talk about 5 dimensional union or 5 dimensional signs. What I think it means is that this is opposed to the 3D world we live in. Many will say a Twin Flame’s ghosting in 3D means a totally different thing in 5D. Just some information on my Twin Flame in particular — the chaser was actually the ghoster. After some time of constantly coming into my daily life and interacting with me at work, she was overwhelmed by herself and what she was doing — initiating our encounters. This was mainly due to codependency on her part. She realised she needed to draw her own boundaries and stonewall herself in — from herself — and not get over-attachment or be too invested with anyone.

I’m a pretty chill guy. I know what codependency is, I think. I just never thought it to be such a big deal. She wants something, I’d give. I’d support. No shame in there. In fact there are several heroes and heroines in my daily life (mentioned in earlier post) constantly concerned over my welfare even if it were not their business. As I would have given anyone my support the same if they needed it. The Universe is repaying me for playing hero. I still am a hero, just that now I spend the better part of my time allowing others to step up and play hero — you can say I am secretly grooming new ones just by being around and playing the guy “apparently” in need of assistance.

Back to 5D — I must have digressed back there — I take it to mean signs not experienced in personal interaction with my Twin Flame. Like bumping into her mom — arguably also my mom?! Attending her graduate school — yes, Twin Flames can never shake each other off! Let’s go off-track now with a simple example: there was an ice-breaker game where we were split into 8 groups. Ok? With each group containing at least 1 of the minority girls. We lined up in a circle, first guys and girls separated, then in order of our birth-dates and numbered off. The girls arranged themselves according to their birth-dates and the guys too arranged themselves according to their birth-dates. I don’t know why, maybe because I was feeling bored, just thinking of her, and I wrote my Twin Flame’s birth-date instead of my own. Guess what happened? I recognised that I would have entered into the same grouping — whether I wrote my own or hers! There was not 1 guy whose birth-date fell in between our birth-dates. It made no difference! It was immaterial! About 28 other guys to fill in the 57 days between our birth-dates, with an average (for 29 guys in 365 days) of 12–13 days from one birth-date to the next — some idea of the odds.

In our 8 groups we played a pictionary style game. Seated at cramp tables, I was closest to the front and went up to the front to draw a card which contained the word our Team 8 needed to be guessing. Well, when I first flipped over the card, I was shocked. The V word. This card… this card… contains a personal detail very strongly associated with my Twin Flame! This is some strong game.

Now people look everywhere and ask the Universe for signs. I didn’t have to ask or look for the signs, they came to me.

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